Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
