Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Smells like a challenge to me
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Tremendous stuff
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
