Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Time for evil
