Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Confused owl: What?!
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
