Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
