Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL