Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes