please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
That’s fair
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My dating profile:
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
This is a bad sign
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.