Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
GM✌🏻
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Come back with a warrant
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
bugs when you lift up a rock
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart