Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices