Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

This is me 🤣🤣

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.