Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what