Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this store having a stroke wtf

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.