Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
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Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Geez man, take it easy.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it