Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi