[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
🙂🐾
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”