‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”