‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
🗽
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
doing some research
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie