Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.