Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
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Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going