Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

*seductively corrects your posture*

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.