Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
pls suprot
