Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Breaking news:
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.