Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”