@LurkAtHomeMom

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

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@3sunzzz

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

@2questionable

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

@Ygrene

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

@kodeeezzzy

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

@dave_cactus

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@Marlebean

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

@michelleDbelle

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

@Parentpains

In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.