Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
A French press is when you hug naked
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
happy friday
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.