Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop