Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will