Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
It do be feeling this way.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die