Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Whoa… oh I see lol
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends