Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
You Might Also Like
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet