Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today