Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.
You Might Also Like
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Saw online –
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.