Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Don’t snitch tag.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

need him

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number