Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Cat is stressing him out.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*