Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

is this meant to deter me

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine