Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces