Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?