Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless