Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap