Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
so i’m at the stock market right
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
(Electricians.)
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
United Steaks of America
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?