Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
You Might Also Like
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.