Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
You Might Also Like
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
ok this is my dumbest yet
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*