Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.