Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.