Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

I didn’t know they can drive…

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.