Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see