“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
what are they serving at kfc then???
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.