Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
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Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
They’re really bad with fonts.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
it be like that
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow