Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Zack Greinke stories are the best

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: