Please let me in.. 😂
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me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.