Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many questions.

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden