Please let me in.. 😂
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.