Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
You Might Also Like
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch