Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

fair

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos