Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Damn what did I do next

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Lassie, get help!

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.