Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
You Might Also Like
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
The answer is funnier than the question
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-