Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
This a good idea
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh