“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
You Might Also Like
Yes 😂
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.