Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

even bears disappoint their mothers

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Just a friendly reminder!

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Encore…

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*