Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

john wicks are toilet candles

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

men are simple creatures

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

No, he would not have.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.