Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

but that was my emotional support daylight

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”

“You should have asked for shaved ice.”

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France