please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all