please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Probably my best painting.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.