My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Who did it better?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
my professor scared me for a second
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.