Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away