Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Matt Goss
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
