Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
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They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
what are they serving at kfc then???
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.