Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Look Ma, no handle on things
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Clients after you give them your rates
![]()
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?