“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Hotels are back
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow