“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
we all know this pain all too well
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.