“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
This squirrel eats better than I do
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.