Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Dietest Coke

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.