Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

They say women only use 10% of their anger

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

✌🏽

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”