Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

who will stop them

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

me when the borders lift

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!